Mumpsimus' Musings or Tales from the Tap Room - No.2

also featuring Dave Javue, Miss Ellenie, Phil Osophy and Geoffrey Kacirk's Forgotten English.

(ever wondered what Mumpsimus means?  Take a look in >Links > Community Links >Mumpsimus)

Awaiting the weekly beer delivery, the other day, I was greeted by a cheery drayman with "Hello Old Fella", which considering my tender years , I didn't take too kindly.  But the following day his remark was confirmed.  I was idly playing with the gizmos in the Jaguar when up popped - average speed 23.4 mph!

Further to this, I had occasion to repair to Norwich in my Alvis.  All the way there and back, no problem at all.  On my return, I asked my chum Dave to check the usual oil, water etc.  Having done this, he settled in the bar and said "you're a steady old driver" - because the battery filler caps were lying on top of the said battery just where I'd placed them before we left for Norwich - no speeding there then! 

On another note to brighten up these gloomy winter evenings, I propose we bring back the old Kentish pastime of witch burning.  We could drag a crone from her hovel, tie her to the stake, put some potatoes underneath and torch the pyre, after broaching a tub or two.  And more jollity, we could spread the ash on the gardens of the Parish poor for fertilisation so that they wouldn't be too much of a burden next season.

Addendum

Ode to the Losers of Lynsted

The Santas came with foul intent

but pretty soon were packing sent.

Their date with destiny, they kept

but their actions were too inept.

After the fight, as a force,  they were spent

for Mumpsimus' pride they had failed to dent. 

Miss Ellenie - a truly heart warming story this edition

This is what marriage is really all about.

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.  She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered "THE TEETH."

Phil Osophy

...two parables from the bible of business management.... 

#1  A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who poops on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of poop is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep poop, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

#2   A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower. The doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.   When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.  Before she says a word, Bob says, " I'll give you £3000 to drop that towel. "  After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her £3000 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, " Who was that?"  "It was Bob the next door neighbour" she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £3000 he owes me?" 

Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Forgotten English  -  vanishing vocabulary and folklore by Jeffrey Kacirk

fiddler's green   -   a name given by sailors to their dancehouses and other places of frolic on shore; sailors' paradise  - William Whitney's Century Dictionary 1889.

bundling   -   bundling used to be a widely diffused Welsh custom before marriage.  The betrothed or engaged pair went to bed, or more frequently lay together, in their clothes....Even among families of good position it is tacitly recognised and tolerated, and it was at the outset the product of the clothed state, where touch had to play the part of sight in the unclothed.  It is a rigorous condition that no liberty is taken with the dress. - W. C. Hazlitt, Faiths and Folklores of the British Isles  1870.

drink-meat   -   ale boiled, thickened with oatmeal, and spiced - Georgina Jackson's Shropshire Word-Book 1879