From the classroom...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
 
MARIA: Here it is.
 
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
 
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

 
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
 
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
 
TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
 
 WINNIE: Me!
 

From the after match soccer interview...

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."    -    David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."   -   Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."  -    David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." -   Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."  -   Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."  -  Alan Shearer

And now for some modern nursery rhymes....

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.


It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh dear, it's Global Warming.


Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies, you dipstick'.

From Christmas crackers...

Why did the nurse creep into the medicine cupboard? ........ so as not to wake the sleeping pills

What has a neck but no head?.....................a bottle 

Doctor, I've a bucket on my head! ....................Thought you looked a little pale

How do you start a pudding race?.................sago

What do you call two newly married spiders?................newly webs

About cheese - Edam is made backwards

What's E.T. short for? ................. little legs

and finally.... 

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes, "Sean, I've got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says  "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."