Mumpsimus' Musings or Tales from the Tap Room - No.3

also featuring Dave Javue, Miss Ellenie, Phil Osophy and Geoffrey Kacirk's Forgotten English.

(ever wondered what Mumpsimus means?  Take a look in >Links > Community Links >Mumpsimus)

The other day, whilst browsing the paper in an idle moment, I came across a report of a lady in Dartford who was bitten by a Tiger Centipede, which apparently had travelled with her from India.  Nothing very noteworthy there but then her husband, in his wisdom, transported the offending insect and his spouse to the hospital who promptly called the RSPCA - for an insect!?.  The RSPCA, in their turn, transported it back to India - why?

It conjures up a lovely image of a subcontinental customs officer tipping the creature out of its box on to the floor and a be-sandled trotter descending onto it from a great height, with lethal force. 

Addendum

From the citadel of the supreme leader - concerning the abortive raid on the spiritual home of grumpiness, The Lynsted Lion. 

The forces of evil, persons of perverse leanings, Anchorites, Luddites and Catamites have been routed  by Mumpsimus Rex and his outnumbered but vastly superior "Band of the Bacchanalian Brotherhood",  despite having to fight on two fronts.  The P.A.S. have passed into ignomy where they will be forgotten by history and hopefully the future.

Regarding the captives, one was taken by the ferocious guardian hound "Poppy" and promptly met his fate, the other has been confined a worse and slower death at the hands of Mumpsimus' twin grandsons, Hengist and Horsa, and is even now being torn to pieces by these most loyal one year olds. 

Miss Ellenie

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the bedside table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
 
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.  Jack asks, "Son...  what happened last night?"
 
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, were sick in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"  His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken table- £585.26,   Hot Breakfast - £4.20,   Red Rose bud -£3.00,    Two Aspirins - £0.40.   Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

Phil Osophy

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

 He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Forgotten English  -  vanishing vocabulary and folklore by Jeffrey Kacirk

Chilblains - an inflammation of the feet, hands occasioned by cold.....Chilblains are treated by accustoming the parts to exposure, stimulant, terebinthinate and balsamic washes - Dictionary of Medical Science 1844

"To thrash chilblains with holly is an old fashioned cure, but in some places it is only efficacious if the feet are crossed during the painful operation".

sic -sic  - said to pigs when they are called to the trough by those who think little that they are speaking pure Saxon, in which sic is a pig - uncommon words used in Halifax 1775

Martingale - a gambling term which means the doubling of a stake everytime you lose, so that when you win once, you win back all that you have lost - Slang Dictionary 1887