From the classroom.........

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
 

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
 
MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
 alphabet."
 
 
 
 TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
 cherry  tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
 
 LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

From the after match soccer interview...

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona ."     Mark Draper

 "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."       Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester ."       Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."       Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."       Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."     Ugo Ehiogu

Now here's a funny thing..........

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

from Christmas crackers........

What's the best day for making eggs and bacon......Fryday

What goes tick, tock, woof..... a watch dog

Where does Friday come before Thursday?........In the dictionary

How does Jack Frost go to work?.........by icicle

What do you do with a sick budgie?.........give him tweetmeant

Which members of the orchestra can't you trust?....... the fiddlers

On marriage......

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 am.  The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 50 miles from here."

"Who was that?" asked the husband.   The wife replied  " I don't know.  It was some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear."

and finally........

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her bills.................Bernadette

What do you call a man and a woman who go fishing together............Rod and Annette