Mumpsimus' Musings or Tales from the Tap Room - No.3

also featuring Dave Javue, Miss Ellenie, Phil Osophy and Geoffrey Kacirk's Forgotten English.

(ever wondered what Mumpsimus means?  Take a look in >Links > Community Links >Mumpsimus)

Sunday evening's restful tranquility was greatly disturbed by the unnerving sight of a smouldering neighbour.  He appeared to spontaneously combust in my front room, whilst waxing lyrical about papermaking in Hemel Hempstead.

My first thought was "Here comes a claim", but I pre-empted that by offering to douse the inferno with my soda syphon.  This was politely declined.  So in my munificence, I decided to offer recompence for any damage (which I trust will not be too excessive) for I am but a poor victualler of small beer and tales of smouldering neighbours would not be conducive to good business.

Mumpsimus Rex

In the absence of Miss Ellenie, she is on vacation, and staying with the business theme, I thought you might be interested to read a selection of testimonials describing the Black Lion and its amenities, taken from 'PubsandBeer' and 'PubsUlike'.

"arrived about lunchtime opening with J,C, I and M.  Good dog-friendly pub this, by the way.  What a fantastic pub this is.  By about 2pm it was very busy with locals coming in for a drink or their lunch.  We were particularly impressed with a fellow who ordered a half of Goacher's Light and half of Young's Light Ale as the concept of Light and Light seemed interesting.  We stayed until 3 pm when the pub closed and we had an excellent time".

"We arrived with a party of 9 friends into a relatively empty pub, no more than 6 or 7 customers, and asked for a menu.  We were told not to even bother sitting down and that 'I don't do large parties and quite frankly, I don't need the money!'  What if we'd gone in there in groups of 4 or 5, or even couples, would that have confused him into some service? 

The following day, someone else who arrived to join us, stopped at the Black Lion with the aim of booking a table too for the evening and to see the menu.  'What do you want a menu for?' was his retort.  'To see if we want to book a table for this evening', they replied.  'Well we don't serve large parties here, some other people came looking the other day and I was not doing for them either!'  Needless to say, they left, as we did, with a feeling of sheer and utter amazement at the rude attitude of a landlord obviously not in the right job.

Lynsted village ought to be ashamed of him!  No wonder there are no other reviews, he doesn't have any other customers! 

Phil Ososphy - on diets
 
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.  Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.
 
And Satan said 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said 'Yes!'  And Woman said 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo, they gained 10 pounds.
 
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.  And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.
 
And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.  So God said 'Try my fresh green salad'.  And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.
 
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.  God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.  And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns,
butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
 
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
 
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.  And Man put on more pounds.
 
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.  And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.  And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
 
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.  And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then  Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied 'Yes, and super size 'em'.
 
And Satan said 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into Cardiac arrest.  God sighed . . . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.  And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
 
 
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
 
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
 
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
 
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
 
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attack than us.
 
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
 
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
 
 
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

Forgotten English  -  vanishing vocabulary and folklore by Jeffrey Kacirk

tree - geese - a name given to barnacles [under boats], from their supposed metamorphosis [into geese] - Glossary of Works of English Authors 1859

duck's dinner -  a drink of water without anything to eat - Dictionary of Austaralian slang 1943

shuttle-gathering - an expedient for stopping weaving factories without breaking the machinery - used by discontented weavers to suspend work in the weaving mill. - Folk-speech of South Lancashire 1901